


dirty work

by Baconfat



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 05:49:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5856550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baconfat/pseuds/Baconfat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skulduggery and Valkyrie perform a community service. (Set shortly after Book 1.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	dirty work

When Stephanie reached the Waxworks Museum she was out of breath from running, and Skulduggery was already there waiting for her, his skull hidden behind a scarf and sunglasses and a very large hat. He was standing in front of Ghastly's statue without a trace of urgency about him. "There you are," he said genially, and handed her a bucket.

Stephanie blinked and took it, wondering if it was some kind of _magic_ bucket, and had to take a moment to lean against the statue and catch her breath. "What is it? What's happened? Have you found a spell to fix him?"

Skulduggery tilted his head. "Whatever gave you that idea?"

Stephanie began to have a sort of sinking feeling in her stomach. She noted that the bucket contained soapy water and a sponge, and found herself hoping, a little pathetically, that maybe it was a _magic_ sponge, for fighting evil. "You rang me up and said, 'Stephanie, come quick, we've got to help Ghastly!'"

Skulduggery gestured theatrically at the statue, and Stephanie realized that he was wearing a pair of rubber washing gloves in a violently cheerful shade of pink. "We do! Look at the state he's in! Bird droppings everywhere! And someone's jammed a Coke can under his right armpit." He pulled the can out with a crunch and tossed it blindly into the street. Before Stephanie could make a comment about littering, he rolled up his sleeves, ruining the entire effect of his disguise, and said, "Let's get to work!"

She opened her mouth, then just sighed and resigned herself to scrubbing at Ghastly's left shoulder. "This is disgusting. Why haven't they moved him inside?"

"Pah," he said dismissively, and then, "I like that. _Pah._ ...They're still working on getting new people to run things in there. Knowing magical bureaucracy, it'll be months of committee meetings and divinations and paperwork before they come to a decision on where to keep him." He patted Ghastly a bit fondly, and when he pulled his hand away there was a smear of white goo on it.

"Why haven't you found a cure for him yet?"

"I'm _working_ on it," Skulduggery replied. Stephanie had the distinct impression he was gritting his teeth.

"No, you're not," she said. "You're procrastinating because you don't want to ask China for help again."

Skulduggery muttered something into his scarf that sounded suspiciously like, "Am not."

"Listen, I'm not too fond of the idea either, but we don't have much choice. We don't know the magic to do this on our own, and it's not like you have any friends." She pointed at Ghastly with her sponge. "Except him."

Skulduggery didn't say anything. 

"I suppose you could try talking to Mr. Bliss."

"The man who threw me off a cliff? That Mr. Bliss?"

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "Yes, him."

"I'd rather _not_ put my best friend's life in the hands of a man who once threw me off a cliff," he said curtly. "I'm very petty that way."

Stephanie realized that he was getting irritated, which was nothing terribly new -- for a magic skeleton who'd been fighting evil for centuries, he was very easy to annoy -- but he wasn't brushing it off in his usual obnoxiously Skulduggery way. And he was scrubbing viciously at a spot under Ghastly's ear that was already clean. "You miss him, don't you?"

Skulduggery was silent for a moment, and when he spoke again there was a peculiar catch in his voice. "Can I show you something?"

"I don't suppose you'll actually listen if I say no..."

Skulduggery thrust his arm at her. "Look at this!" She looked; one of the buttons on his cuff was hanging on by a thread. "It's disgraceful! Do you know how hard it is to find a decent supernatural tailor who'll accept my business?"

Stephanie had to admit that she'd never really thought about it. Or about why Ghastly _did_ accept Skulduggery's business. "It's a _button_ ," she pointed out. "You _could_ sew it yourself."

Skulduggery held up his pink-gloved hands. "Do you know how hard it is to hold a needle with skeleton fingers?"

"No, I would have to say that I don't." Skulduggery made a sort of 'hm!' noise obviously meant to indicate that she was _woefully_ ignorant in the ways of the world, and that she was terribly lucky she had him around to teach her the way of things. "There's a lot of trouble involved in being a well-dressed talking skeleton, isn't there?"

"It's a good thing I'm me, or I'm honestly not sure how I would handle it. Oh look, this dropping here makes a sort of smiley-face."

"You're avoiding the topic."

"Maybe we should leave this one; be a bit of company for poor Ghastly."

"...You're a _very, very strange_ talking skeleton. And if you don't go see China soon, I'll go myself."

Skulduggery looked over at her. "And what? Drool on her until she hands over the secrets of earth magic?" Stephanie felt herself blushing, but before she could protest he'd turned to Ghastly. "Are you hearing this, Ghastly? She's being an impetuous youth again. Terrible habit."

Stephanie blinked. "I -- you don't really think he can hear us, do you?"

" _Stephanie_ ," he said with an air of _infinite_ patience and wisdom, "don't be ridiculous." He knocked once on Ghastly's head. "He's a _statue_."

"When he wakes up, I'm going to tell him you did that."

"Well, _I'm_ going to tell him _you_ didn't think the bird droppings were important."

Stephanie threw her sponge at him.

 

Ten minutes and three sponge-fights later, Ghastly was sparkling clean, and both of them were soaked to the bone, though obviously one of them more literally than the other. Skulduggery took a step back to admire their handiwork, then took his hat off and wrung the water out as best he could. "I think we're done, here." He snapped his fingers -- though with the gloves on they made more of a rubbery _squerk_ sound rather than his usual _clack_ \-- and the water peeled out of his suit and fell back into the bucket. 

Stephanie spread her arms so he could do the same for her, but all he did was stare. "I'm not hugging you," he said, after a moment. "You're all _soggy_."

Stephanie resisted the urge to throw the sponge at him again. "Dry me!"

"Oh, no, I think this is a valuable lesson in magic for you to learn! You know, about discipline, and consequences, and that sort of thing. Et cetera."

She glared at him, then snapped her fingers. A small flame started in her hand, and she shook it out with a start. She closed her eyes tight, and tried to concentrate on imagining each molecule of water back into the bucket.

"Be careful," Skulduggery said after a moment. "Don't magic yourself inside out. That wouldn't be very pleasant."

She cracked an eye open. "Very funny. Magic couldn't do that."

Skulduggery looked at her and said nothing.

"...Could it?"

He went on saying nothing, and without any expression to read on his face, the silence only took a few moments to turn a little unnerving. 

Stephanie crossed her arms. "...Fine. I suppose I can just... drip dry." She squelched over to stand next to him and look Ghastly over. "He does look much better. And I'm still going to go see China." When Skulduggery started to protest, she went on, "I already had my Dad drive me all the way down here for a 'library emergency' that I _thought_ actually really _was_ an emergency, and he won't be coming to pick me up until four, so I might as well."

Skulduggery sighed. "...Fine. I suppose we can... stop by. Say hello. See if she's heard anything about... earth magic." He sighed again, more deeply. It was impressive, really, considering that he hadn't any lungs. "The magic's quite unpredictable, though! He could wake up at any moment."

They waited a moment.

"...Any moment at all!"

They waited another moment, and then a few more after that. Somewhere nearby, a pigeon hooted, probably waiting for them to leave so that it could get back to the business of roosting on Ghastly. 

"...Fine," Skulduggery grumbled, but didn't actually move. "I hope you appreciate the things I do for you," he said to Ghastly. Ghastly did not reply. "It's just terrible," Skulduggery went on, "them leaving you out here with the birds. No dignity at all in it." He took his very large hat off in respect -- and then stuck it on Ghastly's head. "There."

It was all very touching, really, which didn't make it any easier for Stephanie not to burst into laughter. Skulduggery managed to ignore her for a full three seconds. "If he can't be conscious, he can at least be fashionable," he said nobly. And then, over Stephanie's laughing, "See if I dry you off now."

"You'll have to if you're going to let me in the Bentley."

"Who said I was letting you ride along?"


End file.
